User:RiinRin/Rainflower & her Narcissism

This is a topic that does hit very close to home to me, and I do want to analyze it a little more because of that - which is strange in of itself but hey I like thinking deeply.

This is going to be a long read, so if you're into psychology and cats, you can settle in. This defeintely exceeds the time limit to be called a Ted Talk, sigh.

I think everyone can unanimously agree that to some degree, Rainflower abused and neglected Crookedstar. I don't think I've ever seen anyone say otherwise, and with this community I'm kinda surprised considering how different people can interpret things. But I want to dwelve a little bit deeper into what her abuse was, and the specifics of being abused by a narcissistic parent.

I will preface: this will contain some trigger warnings of all levels of abuse, specifically detailing child abuse categories. If you need help, I find r/RaisedbyNarcissists to be a good resource, and also very informative. I will be referencing that subreddit as sources, as well as personal accounts.

Narcissism
What is narcissism? Narcissism is mostly categorized as a personality disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder which can be abbreviated to NPD, narc or just simple narcissism. A lot of narcissists do now have an official diagnosis that they are narcissists, but they all follow the same list of symptoms. Here are some basic ones;

Source, the article is geared towards narcissistic mothers, so that is why she/her is being used.
 * Everything she does is deniable.
 * She's selfish and willful.
 * She favoritizes.
 * She undermines.
 * She demeans, criticizes and denigrates.

Narcissists see a world only of themselves, and their convenience. (Depending at least.) They want control, and they want everyone to conform to an image they have. They use a multitude of abusive tactics. They cannot stand to see themselves as being wrong. They are the center of the world, and if you place a toe out of line, they make sure to have every means to control you, emotionally, financially, physically, any possible way.

If you would like more information on narcissism and specifically, narcissistic parenting, this post has a lot of personal advice by people who were subjecting to narcissistic parents. Also, I may refer to a lot of weird terms that are specific to Reddit and Nparents. You can see a dictionary here.

Rainflower
In the beginning of Crookedstar's Promise, Rainflower didn't show any visible signs of being abusive or narcissistic, and to outsiders perspectives, most don't. Anyone can be an abuser, and anyone can be a narcissist. When Stormkit breaks his jaw, he went off her track. He wasn't the handsome warrior she wanted him to be. He had a disability. She saw his broken jaw as a hindrance to his potential as a warrior, which we all come to find out is incredibly wrong.

Crookedstar's accident sets stones for her downfall. Because of his disability, she sees Oakheart as her golden child. She constantly reminds Crookedstar of how much "better" his brother was than him. She even blatantly tells Crooked[paw] that he will never be as good as his brother. Crookedstar is a scapegoat. He is constantly blamed for being imperfect, he is constantly demonized by Rainflower, and she often tells him whatever he is doing is wrong.


 * "If he'd stayed in camp he'd never have had the accident. Then he wouldn't be the ugly mess he is now. He'd still be my handsome young warrior."
 * — Rainflower to Shellheart about Stormkit in Crookedstar's Promise, page 51

Her main quote is actually what made me consider writing this, because it all just screams narcissism, on so many levels. But learning how to spot narcissism requires training, and being able to read between words and lines to uncover the deeper meaning.

By saying ""If he'd stayed in camp he'd never have had the accident," she is putting the blame on Stormkit. It's all his fault he's ugly and disabled. If he hadn't done x, well then it wouldn't've happened to him. He did this to himself. It is his fault. She adds insult to injury (literally) by going on to say how he's now an "ugly mess." What really jumped out at me though, was


 * "He'd still be my handsome young warrior."

With the use of my and the compliments of how he was pre-injury, she is claiming him. She had a plan for him. Her goal was to have Oakheart and Crookedstar be strong warriors, and follow in their father's footsteps of being deputy. By Stormkit's sneaking out and breaking his jaw, he has now ruined her. His disability is affecting her, she's mourning the son she wanted to have and she makes it very clear that she blamed Stormkit for this, and can only see how it hurts her.

I really do applaud the writing for Shellheart. A lot of husbands or wives of narcissists can become enablers. They'll do anything to please them, they'll justify their behaviour, and they'll do their bidding, regardless of how ridiculous. Regardless of if they truly love them, they still feel an obligation and a tie to them. Shellheart is not an enabler. He does say some things that bother me a bit, but overall, he is completely intolerant of Rainflower's abuse.

This is first evident when Rainflower makes Stormkit a separate nest in nursery, claiming that he might bother Oakkit during the night. (GC favouritism, manipulation.) Shellheart finds out, and is appalled, and when she reveals that she wants Hailstar to rename him, he immediately cuts ties and breaks up with her. Shellheart repeatedly sticks up for Crookedstar throughout the entire book, and while he can't erase Rainflower's abuse, Shellheart's support for Crookedstar is incredibly touching to me.

Shellheart is also vividly aware of Rainflower's narcissism. During Crooked's nine lives ceremony, he tells him


 * "She was wrong. Ever since I've known her, she's always found it hard to admit when she was wrong. She will come to see that. I bet she's watching you now from StarClan, regretting how much she missed."
 * —Shellheart apologizing to Crookedjaw about Rainflower's actions towards him Crookedstar's Promise, page 403

As mentioned before, narcissists can't see any fault of theirs. They dodge, they deflect, they take the blame on you. There's a poem called The Narcissist's Prayer that explains the thought process of how they think when denying criticism -
 * That didn't happen.
 * And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
 * And if it was, that's not a big deal.
 * And if it is, that's not my fault.
 * And if it was, I didn't mean it.
 * And if I did...
 * You deserved it.

I sadly can't find the author of this. I also sometimes personally substitute "you deserved it" with "it's your fault," but they're interchangeable.

Shellheart implies that she still can't see her wrongs. By saying "She will come to see that," it is implied that she still can't take in the consequences and responsibility of what she's done. My own little headcanon would personally be that she was purposefully kept away from Crooked's ceremony because she can't see how she was wrong, even after her son becomes leader. For reference to the poem, Rainflower is on the fourth line going off Shellheart's quote.

Rainflower's assigned roles on Oakheart and Crookedstar extend farther than just blatant favouritism. Narcissistic parents often assign roles to children, them being the golden child and the scapegoat. Both suffer abuse and struggle, sometimes one more than the other, but in this case, Oakheart was Rainflower's golden child, and Crookedstar was her scapegoat.

She constantly compared Crookedstar to Oakheart, boasting about how much better Oakheart was than he, and how she wished he could be like him. Any accomplishments Crookedstar will achieve will now always be outshone by Oakheart, even without his consent. She makes this evident when Oakheart receives his warrior name - she remarks that Crookedpaw will never be as good. Whether she didn't show up at his ceremony by her own violation, or she was held back by StarClan, I can't imagine the things she would say seeing her scapegoat stand as leader. A phrase I've come accustomed to is often, "whatever your accomplishment is, it isn't good enough." Crookedstar had no chance of ever outshining his brother to Rainflower, since she couldn't see past his broken jaw.

Crookedstar's neglect and abuse stems from Rainflower's narcissism. While she doesn't check every box to a T, she definitely can be considered not just an abuser, but a narcissist.

Heaven or Hell?
Before I wrap this up, I want to address one of the theories that I saw floating around lately, and also reiterate something with it. A big fandom theory is that Rainflower was abused herself as a kit. Narcissism does pass down - not exactly genetically, but through nurturing. Those who grow up with a narcissistic parent who can't understand it's bad, often become a narcissist themselves. This is not always the case, as evident with Crookedstar, but this theory could add some understanding to how she got to be this way.

However, past abuse will never, ever, justify current abuse. It is her wrong, and her wrong alone. ACONS and others growing up with Nparents have their own responsibility to acknowledge, and educate themselves on how they grew up, and learn not to repeat it. Obviously, cats lack the therapy that's sometimes required to do this, but regardless. Rainflower is an abuser. Just because she was abused in the past does not give her any pity points, nor does it justify her abuse towards Crookedstar. It would merely explain her actions. However, this is not canon so it doesn't apply here too much.

Crookedstar's injury aside, I 100% believe she still would've been an abuser had he not broken his jaw. Narcissism is a personality disorder, it's in your personality. I don't think anything would have changed, except maybe who she made scapegoat, and who she made golden child. Whether Crookedstar grew up to be Crookedstar or Stormstar, narcissism would've still leaked out into her parenting, especially if you believe in the theory above.

Now the big question of whether she deserves the Dark Forest? I really can't say myself. I'm inclined to say yes, as she was an abuser who never acknowledged her wrongs, but I would not be a good judge of this. Narcissistic parents can get you in a twisted mindset, and because of my empathy, it's hard for me to go "send her away." (My lack of faith doesn't help this decision either whoops.) To me, I would personally think she deserves no afterlife. Her existence should fade away, become nothing more than a memory of horror.

Finale
Again, a huge resource I used to write this was r/RaisedByNarcissists, which is a subreddit for ACONS (adult children of narcissists) or others who suffer at the hand of narcissistic parental figures. They have incredible resources and information if you would like to learn more.

Thank you for reading if you got all the way through this, and I apologize if this seems scattered. You're free to leave your own comments and discuss, all I specifically ask is please no abuse apology or enabling. Other than that, go ham. I wanna hear thoughts! —