User:Blackstar's Daughter

( \ _ /) (O.o )

This is Bunny. Copy Bunny into your profile to help him on his way to world domination

95% of teens would be crying if Justin Bieber was on a 100 ft tall building about to jump. If you are some of the 5% who brought popcorn and friends, add this to your signature.

If you are here then you must care about my pathetic life. SO PAY ATTENTION TO THE FOLLOWING!!

Name: Danielle

Nicknames: Ellie and Daniela. I've also been called a homicidal maniac, but hey, you are what you are.

Gender: Kinda common sense there

Age: Why do you care?

Current Location: A mental hospital in Baltimore

Best Friends: Bob the Dust Bunny and Santa Claus

Type of Shampoo: None. Why?

Blood Type: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Warrior Name and Clan: Darkheart of ShadowClan/ThunderClan

Hobbies: Reading, acting, singing, and scaring random people

Fav Colors: Orange, Green, Blue, Yellow, and Red

Pets: Two beautiful cats named Hazel and Alice. Hazel is a white Turkish Van with brown spots. Alice is a brown tabby with a white belly and legs. We also rescued a Russian Blue named Smokey recently.

Fav Game: Life (not the board game)

Fav Bands: Nickelback, Daughtry, and Big Time Rush

Fav Books: Graceling, Fire, Harry Potter series, The Sisters Grimm series, Alpha series, Redwall series, Warriors series, Steve and Me, Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, Twilight series

Fav Shows: Human Target, River Monsters, Project Runway, On The Road With Austin and Santino, Modern Family, My Wife and Kids, Wolverine and the X-Men, Big Time Rush, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Clean House, The Crocodile Hunter, Life, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Invader Zim

Fav Movies: Letters to Juliet, Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy, X-Men Trilogy, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Iron Man, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, The Princess Bride, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, The Day After Tomorrow, 2012, Star Trek, Julie and Julia

Fav Characters: Wolverine, Nightcrawler, Percy Jackson, Tyson, Grover, Dionysus, Basil Stag Hare, Matthias, Cregga, Deyna, Brambleclaw, Squirrelflight, Whitestorm, Yellowfang, Emmett, Jasper, Sabrina, Puck, Uncle Jake, Daphne

Hated Characters: Annabeth Chase, Juniper, Abbott Mortimer, Millie, Bella, Edward

Fav Quotes:

Embrace the randomness or you will never taste the rainbow. - Me!

If I can't be accepted, I'll just settle for being ignored. - Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

Duct tape is like The Force: it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. -Anonymous

If at first you succeed - try to hide your astonishment. - Harry F. Banks

One thing about the speed of light - it gets here too early in the morning. - Anonymous

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? - Anonymous

When you come to a fork in the road, take it! - Yogi Berra

Be nice to people. They outnumber you 6.5 billion to one. - Anonymous

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say "How to Build a Boat." - Stephen Wright

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words. - Anonymous

What's another word for "thesaurus"? - Anonymous

I'm glad Edward didn't kill you. Things are so much fun when you're around. - Emmett from Twilight

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. –Edgar Allan Poe

All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small, all things wise and wonderful, the Lord God made them all. - Cecil Frances Alexander

You don't have to wear the crown to be the king. - Anthony Williams, Project Runway Season 7

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty - Winston Churchill

The next time the devil reminds you of your past remind him of his future. - Unknown

Don't follow in my footsteps I run into walls. - Unknown

I could fix it, if I only had some duct tape. - Murdock from Macgyver

Doors are for people with no imaginations. - Skuldurggery Pleasant.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. - Unknown

I haven't lost my mind! I sold it on eBay. - Unknown

And is it fair that Pluto has to live in a dog house, while Goofy, who is also a dog, gets to drive around and play golf with Mickey? . . . It's just something that's always bothered me - Louis Stevens

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers. - Unknown

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic... - Unknown

Sometimes you get to the end of the rainbow to find out that the leprechaun has it booby trapped. - Unknown

If a polar bear is gay, then is it bipolar? - A girl in my Spanish class

Violence is never the answer, unless the question is "What takes place during a war?" - Unknown

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES! - Unknown

You're just jealous 'cause the little voices are talking to me. - Unknown

Dare to be different. - Me!

I don't want to be remembered as the one who stood out because she was different. I want to be remembered as the one who stood out because she stayed true to herself. - Me!

In 2011 the government will start shipping the idiots away. My eyes watered when I thought of losing you. Be strong and pack your crayons. - A text message from one of my friends

For crying out loud, is it wrong to assume he's so far in the closet that he's fighting to free Narnia? - Daydreamer897 on Ashfur, The Truth About Warriors (Honestly, I could list a thousand funny quotes from this story, but that would be weird)

I used to hate it when aunts and grandmas used to come up to me at weddings and pinch my cheeks and say "You’re next" "You’re next". Well they stopped doing that crap when i started to do it to them at funerals. - Unknown

Funny Joke:

Harry! Come quick! Dumbledore's been in an accident!

Was it serious?

No, it was Snape!

'''That was for all you Harry Potter fans in the world. Hoped you liked it!'''

Random Philosophies:

One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

EMO--Extravagantly Made Origami

Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over.

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

If you're going to criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door...

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up

I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have!

I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is GOING somewhere.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

I was about to take over the world, but I got distracted when I saw something shiny.

Boys are like Slinkies, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

Life isn't passing me by; it’s trying to run me over.

Boys are like trees, they take 50 years to grow up.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled.

When you get caught looking at him just remember he was looking back.

It’s always in the last place you look...of course it is, why the heck would you keep looking after you found it?

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

When in doubt, make up words.

Flying is simple! Just throw yourself towards the earth, then miss the ground.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drinking my milk!!

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you!

Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors

Popular Last Words:

"Oops."

"I didn't know that part came off."

"Oh $@#%."

"Hey, honey! Look!"

"No hands!"

"I don't think that's supposed to bend that way."

"I can too!"

"It's perfectly harmless."

"OF COURSE I know what I'm doing."

'''My Mother... (This sounds just like my mom.)'''

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Thank You Dad

At age 8, your dad buys you an ice cream. ''You thanked him by dripping it all over his lap.''

When you were 9 years old, he paid for piano lessons. ''You thanked him by never even bothering to practice.''

When you were 10 years old he drove you all day, from soccer to football to one birthday party after another. ''You thanked him by jumping out of the car and never looking back.''

When you were 11 years old, he took you and your friends to the movies. You thanked him by asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old, he warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked him by waiting until he left the house.

When you were 13, he suggested a haircut that was in fashion. You thanked him by telling him he had no taste.

When you were 14, he paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked him by forgetting to write a single letter.

When you were 15, he came home from work, looking for a hug. You thanked him by having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, he taught you how to drive his car. ''You thanked him by taking it every chance you could.''

When you were 17, he was expecting an important call. ''You thanked him by being on the phone all night.''

When you were 18, he cried at your high school graduation. ''You thanked him by staying out partying until dawn.''

When you were 19, he paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags. ''You thanked him by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.''

When you were 25, he helped to pay for your wedding, and he told you how deeply he loved you. ''You thanked him by moving halfway across the country.''

When you were 50, he fell ill and needed you to take care of him. ''You thanked him by reading about the burden parents become to their children.''

And then, one day, he quietly died. And everything you never did came crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART. Never take your dad for granted, you have no idea what you are missing. Love him and thank him while he's alive.

Names

Super-Hero Name (favorite color and favorite drink): Orange Smoothie

Star Wars Name (first three letters of last name, first three letters of first name): Ort Dan

Arabic Name (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms middle name): Atrlrsy

Goth Name (black and the name of one of your pets): Black Hazel

Witness Protection Name (mother’s & father’s middle names): Mary Jerome

Nascar Name (first name of your mother’s mom, father’s mom): Helen Julia

Fly Name (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name): Daor

Gangsta Name (first 3 letters of first name plus izzle): Danizzle

Detective Name (the plus favorite color and favorite animal): The Orange Dolphin

Rock Star Name (favorite fruit and something that can go wrong): Kiwi Experiment

Pirate Name (any color and a pirate accessory): Pink Parrot

Soap Opera Name (your middle name and street you live on): Rose Sun Circle

Street Name (favorite ice-cream and favorite cookie): Vanilla Snickerdoodle

'''What Race Are You? (I got this from Mr. and Mrs. Goodfellow. There were more but I just got the ones that apply):'''

Italian The Sopranos is a great show. Your last name ends in a vowel. Your grandmother or mother makes her own sauces. You know how a real meatball tastes. You know Italian songs. You have darkish hair. You speak SOME Italian. You are less than 5'10''. Pizza/spaghetti is the best food in the world. You talk with your hands Total: 7

German You like bread. You think American Chocolate is good. You Speak some German. You know what Schnitzel is. You hate it when stupid people call you a Nazi. You went to Pre-school. You're over 5'10". You know the real meaning of "Fag". You make pretty words sound scary. You enjoy watching the military. You know that GUMMY BEARS were invented in Germany. Total: 4

American You hate foreigners. You hate non - Christians. You've been to more than 5 states. You're lazy. You are not cultured. You don't read. You shop at Wal-Mart. You spell color "color". Total: 3

I'm also Hungarian and Czechoslovakian, but I couldn't find those.

You know you live in 2010 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years.

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a screen name or MySpace.

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV.

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did

FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you. BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you. BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall. BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince. BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda. BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.

FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain. BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"

FRIENDS: Will help you move. BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail. BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink. BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa. BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail. BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying "DAMN!" we messed up!

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. BEST FRIENDS: Won’t tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when you’re not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number. BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Never ask for food. BEST FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back. BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you. BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door. BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone. BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies) BEST FRIENDS: Are for life

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough. BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!

FRIENDS: Would ignore this. BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this crap

Survey!

'''1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 81, and find line 4. 'the water and were gone. Martin and Gonff came to sit ''(Legend of Luke)

'''2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch? '''AIR!!!!

'''3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? '''My Wife and Kids

4. Without looking, guess what time it is: 9:20 am

'''5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?''' 9:17 am

'''6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? '''Humans talking around me

'''7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? '''Yesterday when I was getting a raccoon out of our trash can

'''8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at? '''xxBLACKnWHITExx's profile

'''9. What are you wearing? '''Gray jeans, black converse, white T-shirt, and black and white plaid shirt

'''10. Did you dream last night? '''Two frogs were getting married (it was sooo romantic!)

'''11. When did you last laugh? '''In my English class about 20 minutes ago

'''12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? '''The blood of the innocent. JK paint

13. Seen anything weird lately? A dog lying on its side with its eyes wide open and it's tongue hanging out

14. What do you think of this quiz? It gives me something to do during computer science class (Yeah I'm in school)

15. What is the last film you saw? Super Size Me. We were watching it in Biology

'''16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? '''Australia (They got cute little critters) or a zoo. Oh I know! A leprechaun!

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know: I have a very very active imagination

'''18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? '''Oh there's so much I would do. I would make war illegal, animal abuse is punishable by death, and everything was free!

'''19. Do you like to dance? '''I can't dance to save my life

20. George Bush: He has a funny face

'''21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? '''Sasha

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Logan

23. Would you ever consider living abroad? It depends on where

Another Survey!

Eye Color: brown Hair Color: brown Height: I think I'm 5'5

Shoe Size: Women's 6-7 Pet: three cats, two fish (the fish are older than me!) Sport: I suck at all of them Have You Ever: Bungee Jumped: I'm afraid of gravity Abseiled: What is that? Gone out of the Country: Not yet but I'm going to Italy next summer Beaten someone Up: Do brothers count? Gotten Beat Up: Stupid brother Killed an Animal: '''Not on purpose! But I think I may have killed a fish.''' Swam in the Ocean: Love the beach Broke the Law: Not yet Smoked: Nope and I don't want to Chewed Tobacco: See above answer Drank: I'm not even legal! Been Kissed: Yup! Been In Love: Yup Dumped Someone: Yeah, he was a smoker Been Dumped: Nope Broken Someone's heart: Not that I know of Had Your Heart Broken: Sorta Liked Someone Who Didn't Like You Back: Always Broken A Bone: Twice Had Surgery: Not that I know of Had an X-ray or MRI: When I broke my arm Failed a Class: NEVER!!

...: Favorites:... Color: Orange Food: Pasta pasta pasta Drink: Orange and strawberry smoothie Snack: An apple or other fruit Cereal: Frosted Flakes Ice Cream: Vanilla Candy: '''Gah! I can't choose!''' Restaurant: Olive Garden Animal: I love all animals Quote: Scroll up if you wanna know Sport To Play: None! Sport To Watch: I watch football sometimes Movie: Again, scroll up TV Show: Scroll up scroll up scroll up! Type Of Music: World to rock Band: Nickelback, Daughtry, and Big Time Rush Singer: Taylor Swift Song: It's always changing

This//Or//That:... Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi Vanilla or Chocolate: Vanilla Cake or Ice Cream: Vanilla cake McDonalds or Burger King: '''McDonalds. I know it's bad for you but it's sooo good!''' Love or Money: Probably love Music or TV: TV Cat or Dog: Cat! Mom or Dad: Mommy Truck or Car: Again, it depends on what type Ocean or Lake: Ocean Yahoo or Hotmail: What's the difference? Google or AJ: Google Light or Dark: Depends if you’re inside or outside. Country or City: Country cuz I can't stand the city Rain or Sunshine: Sunshine

...: The Opposite Sex:... First Thing You Notice: Smile Personality or Looks: Personality

Hair Color: Doesn't really matter Eye Color: Same Short or Tall: Tall Romantic or Spontaneous: A little bit of both Sense of Humor or Sweet: Both are great Hook up or Relationship: Relationship

...: Currently:.. Feeling: Bored Listening To: My teacher talking Wanna: Go home Doing Besides Typing: Class work Thinking About: How fast I can finish this Wearing: Jeans, a T-shirt, and a sweater In Love: Not at the moment Single: Sigh, yes

...: The Future... Career: A vet and a writer Marriage: I would like that Kids: '''One if kids are anything like me and my brother. We can't go five minutes without fighting.'''

OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever

The Death Eater's Guide

Greetings, new follower:

If you are reading this letter then you have doubtless been accepted into the select band of professional wizards known as the Death Eaters. If by some unprecedented chance you are reading this and you have not been accepted into the Death Eaters then I suggest you put down this letter and leave now, or the consequences for you will be as terrible as my lifelong study into the Dark Arts can make them.

Please find enclosed a short introductory guide to Death Eating, which you must memorize and then eat, to prevent security leaks. (Due to an unfortunate fatality last week, it is now permitted to cut the guide into small pieces before swallowing).

The next meeting is scheduled for midnight, 11th June, when I trust we will have the pleasure of watching your initiation ceremony. Please remember to bring a clean handsaw and enough twine. It's so distressing when people don't prepare for these events properly.

Yours in infamy,

Lord Voldemort

 So You Want To Be A Death Eater?

Welcome to this helpful guide to being a Death Eater. This leaflet should provide you with all the information you need to become a successful servant to the Dark Lord. It will if you know what's good for you. Please read every page before eating.  Aims of the society:

World peace To be evil To conquer the world Elimination of all Muggles Elimination of all Mudbloods Elimination of Albus Dumbledore & the Order of the Phoenix Elimination of (miscellaneous) To serve Lord Voldemort (that's me!) To create sanctuaries for endangered breeds of snakes This statement is a lie.

List of Equipment required for new Death Eaters:

(Equipment marked must be obtained from Messers. Gorgon & Black Limited, outfitters to the intensely evil and terminally stylish since 12 BC. Their premises are on Knockturn Alley, but they now do mail order as well.)

Long Black Robes (Casual) Long Black Robes (Smart) Short Black Robes (for summer wear) Long Black cloak (silk is preferable to velvet, as it is much more absorbent) Black mask (informal) Black mask (sequined) Black boots (Stiletto heels are no longer permitted) Black leather gloves (barbed wire ornamentation optional) Wand Extra wand in case of losing first wand Plastic imitation wand in case of losing Extra wand

Cane (For favored members only. Unauthorized possession of a cane will result in a heavy fine. Before possessing cane, it is necessary to pass a rigorous series of tests to ascertain that your carrying-a-cane-in-a-nonchalant-yet-evil-fashion skills are up to scratch).

Coffin Dueling sword Disguise kit, containing: Nun's outfit, false beard, beekeeping veil, Muggle policeman's costume, etc. Saw Assorted chains Handcuffs Pointy stick

Recommended Reading:

Curses and Counter-Curses by Professor Vindictus Viridian Evil: A Beginners Guide by Professor E. Maledict The Illustrated Torturer's handbook by Bellatrix Black What Not to Wear in the Torture Chamber by Narcissa Malfoy Sex, Lies, and Unforgivable Curses: The Authorised Biography of Lord Voldemort by Peter Pettigrew Caring For Your New Tattoo: An Informative Guide St. Mungo's Hospital Skin Department

Death Eater may also own snake or dragon or hippogriff. But only Lord Voldemort may possess a basilisk.

Death Eater Rules:

No Death Eater shall be a spy for Dumbledore. No Death Eater shall play the harmonica. All Death Eaters must be proficient in the Dark Arts: murder, Unforgivable Curses, yodeling etc. An annual examination will be made to make sure that all members are up to scratch. No Death Eater shall behave with integrity unless it is a genuine accident. A Death Eater must be pureblooded. No Death Eater must ever mention that the Dark Lord himself is not pureblooded. No Death Eater may kill another Death Eater without a very good reason. All Death Eaters shall answer Lord Voldemort's summons immediately. (Unless you are having a shower, in which case it is permitted to don a bath robe first.) All Death Eaters shall have vaguely sinister surnames. All Death Eaters shall overtake on the left.

Frequently Asked Questions:

What happens if Voldemort is displeased with me?

''As this is a fairly run (and currently short-staffed) organization, you will probably receive a warning. And some soul-destroying torture. A second offense and you will probably die a slow death. Options include:''

''Being slowly eaten by a manticore. Being dissolved in a vat of basilisk venom. Gradual impalement on your own wand. Death by Mandrake (according to season). The Pancake curse. (This newly developed spell will carve you into wafer-thin slices. Victims killed in this way are traditionally cooked in hot fat and served with maple syrup or lemon juice at Death Eater feasts.) Being flayed alive and used as a life-sized glove puppet at Death Eater children's parties. Avada Kedavra (if we're in a hurry/ feeling rather unimaginative).''

What should I do if I decide to leave the organization?

Make your funeral arrangements as quickly as possible.

(See above)

What is the salary like?

''You should be in this job for the principle of the thing, not for sordid reasons. So let's just say that it's much, much better than they pay at the Ministry. There will also be opportunities for pillage, looting, theft, etc., and Christmas bonuses are guaranteed.''

Does the Dark Mark hurt?

''Of course it does; this is an evil society after all. What are you, a wimp?''

Can the Dark Mark be removed by laser treatment?

No. Only a moron would ask such a stupid question.

But it can be temporarily obscured by a good-quality concealer. (Make sure it's a shade darker than your skin tone, as a lighter shade will simply draw attention to the tattoo. Pat translucent powder over the concealer to make it last longer.)

Is there a retirement age for Death Eaters?

You probably won't live long enough to have to deal with this problem.

Can I kill personal enemies or just opponents of Voldemort?

''Murder is encouraged on principle; however, personal killings should be reserved for each individual Death Eater's free time, as obviously serving Lord Voldemort is much more important. Occasional massacre outings/ dark revels may take place as rewards for good (i.e. bad) behavior.''

What should I do if Voldemort is defeated at the height of his powers by a one-year-old boy?

This circumstance is so unlikely that there is no point devising a protocol to deal with it.

The Death Eater Anthem

(to be memorized by each new recruit as soon as possible).

Please note that this tune should never, never, never, never be sung to the tune of "Blackadder," an inane Muggle television program to which we are completely oblivious and never watch. Honestly.

''Who lurk beneath the undergrowth? When all is dim and dark? Who murder people in their beds Or sometimes in the park? Death Eaters! Death Eaters! Our blood is pure as pure! Death Eaters! Death Eaters! We all love Voldemort! We serve the Dark Lord every day, We're always very loyal And if with us you don't agree We'll boil you in hot oil! Death Eaters! Death Eaters! We're evil as can be! Death Eaters! Death Eaters! But if we're scared we'll flee! Our curses are incredible. We're known for our Morsmordres And though our leader is insane We always follow orders. Death Eaters! Death Eaters! We're wickedness collective! Death Eaters! Death Eaters! Yet rather ineffective!''  Health and Safety:

Being a Death Eater is naturally a dangerous job. Lord Voldemort accepts no liability for any pain/suffering/torture/impalement/loss of limbs/grievous bodily harm/disintegration/insanity/imprisonment/loss of soul/death which you may experience while in his service. No good will come of any attempts to sue him as a negligent employer. Trust us.

However, in order to protect members, these safety guidelines have been developed for Death Eaters both during leisure time and on missions for the Dark Lord:

''Don't try to take out Harry Potter yourself. It is extremely presumptuous. Leave it to Lord Voldemort, who has much more practice.''

''Employ masterly deceit to conceal your allegiance to the Dark Lord: e.g., if someone accuses you of being a Death Eater, laugh carelessly and say: "No, I am not a Death Eater. Would you like a cup of tea?" This Machiavellian trickery should be enough to convince them.''

''If this does not convince your accuser, have them discreetly murdered. (Sussex and Fox Ltd, of 13, Knockturn Alley, run a very efficient assassination service and are currently offering cut-price deals for friends and associates of the Dark Lord. Present your membership card at the counter for further details.)''

Keep your wand on you at all times, even if you are asleep/on a hot date/in the bath/on the beach/wearing very tight-fitting leather garments (or all of these at once).

Ostentatious indicators of evil, such as manic laughter/dressing entirely in black swooshy robes (Snape, this means you)/ making sinister comments/killing people should be practiced only in private.

''If you suspect someone of being a spy, kill them and their family at the first opportunity. If it turns out they were not a spy at all, pass it off as a light-hearted practical joke.''

''Only eat food prepared by yourself or your faithful minions. Do not trust your spouse(s)/partner(s), no matter how pretty he/she/they may be.''

''Similarly, do not accept drinks from anyone. This may cause offense when visiting a pub or bar but it's better than being dead. Obviously.''

''Do not take off your mask for any reason while on a mission. If people see your face while you are conjuring the Dark Mark/ massacring etc, they may suspect that you are a Death Eater.''

Do not try to smoke while wearing your mask, as it is not fireproof.

''Never address your colleagues by name while on a mission. Survivors may recall it at a later date. For the same reason, never mention your address or telephone number to anyone you are kidnapping/raping/torturing/killing, no matter how attractive they may be. Evil relationship experts have stated that romance is unlikely to flourish under such circumstances anyway.''

''Burn all sensitive documents. Not only will this deter spies, it is also amusing as it contributes to global warming.''

Set up an anti-Apparating spell round your residence (but make sure you have a Portkey handy so you're not embarrassingly trapped there if the place is attacked by Aurors).

''Prepare a secret hideout for yourself should your cover be blown. Failure to do this may lead to your sharing a hideout with another Death Eating family, which often results in friction over use of bathroom facilities, television, etc.''

''Don't upset Lord Voldemort. It will only end in tears. (And multiple burns, fractured limbs, mortal torment, etc.)''

 Rules For Hogwarts: 

- If death eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout TO THE BAT MOBILE!

- Remus Lupin does NOT want a flea collar

- I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his time of the month.

- I will not say 'dude, get a life' to Lord Voldemort

- I will not ask Snape why he stole Batman's cape

- I will not call Professor Flitwick Yoda

- I am not to refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.

- I will not take the Giant Squid to the Yule Ball.

- If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 10 minutes, I shall assume that I am not allowed to use it.

- It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.

- "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

- Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey."

- I am not allowed to paint the House Elves blue and call them smurfs

- The Whomping Willow is not a Entwife with PMS

- I will not yell "I have eight horcruxes, take that Voldy!"

- I will not say "So I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like. Dead."

- Draco Malfoy is the amazing...bouncing...Ferret

- No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

- Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in May...June...or July...

- Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

- I am not allowed to sing 'We're Off to See The Wizard' on the way to the headmaster's office

- I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.

- Especially not with kazoos.

- The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".

- Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other house is forbidden.

- There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man"...even if I do conjure him up.

- Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.

- The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate, especially in reference to Professor Umbridge.

- I will not write "Wizard" on my hat in sequins.

- I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

- I am not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask him to call me "mini me."

- I know that Snape does not want bleach, laundry detergent, or new underwear for his birthday or Christmas. No combination of these is acceptable.

- Murmuring “I see dead people… ” every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny.

- Yelling “to infinity, and BEYOND!” was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

- I am no longer allowed to sing my “own personal spy music” when I wander around the hallways.

- I should not remark that “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” when Snape gets angry. Ever.

- If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell “MORPHIN’ TIME!” every time I change.

- I cannot do this whenever anyone else changes either.

- I must not shout "beam me up Scotty" before disapparating.

- I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals

'''Hey you! I know you're just dying to do this!!'''

1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex. Aden

2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, and green, yellow? Yellow

3. Your first initial? D

4. Your month of birth? April

5. Which color do you like more, black or white? Black

6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours. Caroline

7. Your favorite number? 3

8. Do you like California or Florida more? Florida

9. Do you like the lake or the ocean more? Ocean

10. Write down a wish (a realistic one). I can get my dream job, meet someone nice, and have a family

Are you done?

If so, scroll down

(Don’t cheat--)

THE ANSWERS

1. You are completely in love with this person. I don't know anyone with that name, but I guess I'm in love with him.

2. If you choose:

Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.

Black: You are conservative and aggressive.

Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back. This was my second choice

Blue: You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.

Yellow: You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are So true

Down.

3. If you’re initial is:

A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life. That sounds right

L-R: You try to enjoy life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom.

S-Z: You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

4. If you were born in:

Jan.-Mar.: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.

Apr.-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever. Okay if you say so.

July-Sept.: You will have a great year and will experience a major life changing experience for the good.

Oct.-Dec.: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.

5. If you choose...

Black: Your life will take on a different direction; it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change. I'll take your word for it.

White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

6. This person is your best friend. '''That's true! She is my BFFL!'''

7. This is how many close friends you have in a lifetime. '''Awwww! Just 3?'''

8. If you choose... California: You like adventure. Florida: You are a laidback person. You betcha!

9. If you choose... Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your love. And you are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people. '''Yeeeees! Freaky survey you preach the truth!'''

10. This wish will come true only if you RE-POST THIS BULLETIN in one hour and it will come true before your next birthday! '''Okay, the thing is that can't happen 'cause I'm still in high school. Well I guess it could, but that wouldn't really be a good thing.'''

Stupid Stereotypes (Note: These are not my personal opinions or views):

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic. I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists. I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun. I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed. I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat. I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy. I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy. I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS. I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape. I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist. I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch. I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell. I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell. (Actually, some of my besties are gay. And I don't care!) I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat. I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world. I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals I'm LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay. I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy. I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants. I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem. I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store. I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage. I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore... I'm a DANCER, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore I wear SKIRTS, so I MUST be a slut. I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs. I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob. I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a Goth or emo. I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend. I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars. I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy. I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore. I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST! I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin. I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life. I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention. I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention. I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual. I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist. I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all. I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player. I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe. I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer. I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser. I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that’s how Russians roll. I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi. I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY TOO I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT. I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13 I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent. I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy. I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid. I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly. I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7 I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals. I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up. I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist. I'm in a BAND, so I MUST be a dork. I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty. I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser. I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control. I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister. I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore. I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive. I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border. I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat. I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot. I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay. I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino. I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party. I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo. I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy. I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone. I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too. I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't. I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social. I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy. I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch. My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills. I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch. I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs. I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE.. So I MUST be a whore myself. I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual. I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak. I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker. I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted. I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled. I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak. I'm AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant. I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo. I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent. I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend. I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers. I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare. I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth. I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE. I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid. I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE. I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER! I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth. I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future. I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-Sue. I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex. I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian. I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see. I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE. I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER. I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED. I'm WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST. I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST. I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick. I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY. I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE. I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard. I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid. I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos. I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around. I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian. I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting. I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak. I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life. I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too. I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp. I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, then burst into tears at one mistake I DON'T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems

Some of the genius that is xxBLACKnWHITExx:

If you're open-minded, your brain will fall out.

Who was the genius who put an S in "lisp"?

I don't finish anyth

Nothing can keep us apart except combination locks!

Remember: The men in white coats are not your friends. Ask them for a room with lots of sharp, pointy objects. When that doesn't work, demand a designer jacket.

When in doubt, point in a random direction and yell, "Look, a distraction!" Run.

SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot.

Can you see why she's my best friend?

'''It's funny; people call it crazy when you walk up to a total stranger, grab their nose, and yell in a British accent "GOT YER CONK!" Me, I call it keeping it interesting. No one wants to hear about someone who just walked by and did nothing. But a nose-grabbing Brit, that's a conversation starter! The police think so too.'''

'''A lot of people think I'm crazy, but I'm not. I just act crazy for their amusement. I like to make people happy. Unfortunately, that means people make fun of me. I don't really care though. I know I'm not crazy and that's what's important.'''

Copy and paste this into your profile if you want to make sense, but it's simply not possible for someone like you.

Copy and paste this into your profile if you walk into walls and apologize.

'''Copy and paste this into your profile if pipe cleaners are really really fun!! '''

Copy and paste this into your profile if you are insanely insane.

Copy and paste this into your profile if you've ever busted a move/burst into song randomly.

Copy and paste this into your profile if you've ever copied and pasted something into your profile.

Copy and paste this into your profile if you have ever said something that had NOTHING to do w/ the conversation.

Copy and paste this into your profile if your friends are the types who walk into marble walls at art museums.

Copy and paste this into your profile if you "decorate" cereal boxes by drawing mustaches and third eyes on the model, autograph the box, and put it back in the food pantry.

Copy and paste this into your profile if you know someone who should get run over by a bus.

Copy and paste this if you hug random people in the school hallways and run/skip away laughing like the harmless maniac you are.

Copy and paste this into your profile if you like light switches.

Copy and paste this into your profile if you think wallabies are cute!!

Copy and paste this into your profile if you are plotting world domination of your own little world.

If you love God with your whole heart and are 100 percent proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you hate those mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites, copy and paste this on your profile

If you have ever laughed so hard you either choked, hyperventilated, had your sides cramp, or all of the above copy and paste this on your profile

If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freakin' Trix, copy this into your profile

'''Did you know the average American only reads 3 books a year? If you don't believe that it's even possible to read that little, copy and paste this onto your profile'''

If you have ever burst out laughing in a quiet room because of something that happened yesterday, copy and paste

If you've ever imagined yourself killing off a fictional character so that you could steal her fictional boyfriend, copy this into your profile

If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have a true friend (or two...or three...or four...or five...et cetera), copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think the Cocoa Puff Turkey Bird thing should go to rehab, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are against child abuse, you should copy this into your profile.

If you are obsessed with fanfiction, copy this into your profile.

If you are aware that so many people nowadays pretend to be someone they're not, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you don't do drugs and never will, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think cancer is awful, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you talk to yourself and aren't afraid to admit it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are against animal cruelty, put this in your profile.

If you love God with your whole heart and are 100 percent proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have sibling(s) that drive you crazy, then copy this onto your profile.

If you have music in your soul, post this in your profile!

If you're wearing pants right now, copy and paste this on your profile

If you think girls should rule the world and that it would be a better place copy this onto your profile

If you want to fire and/or sue those bloody weather men for giving you false hope so often (for snow days or something)...Copy and paste this to your profile, so we know who to call when we lead an angry mob 

If you have ever eaten something utterly disgusting on accident, and then realized it right afterward and tried to spit it out, copy and paste this on your profile

If you've ever laughed so hard tears streamed down your face, you banged your repeatedly on a table, and received weird looks from everyone in the immediate vicinity, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you have ever had an argument with yourself and LOST, copy and paste this on you profile.

If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking copy and paste this on your profile

If you have ever zoned out for five consecutive minutes copy this on your profile

If you hate those mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites, copy and paste this on your profile

If your friends are WEIRD (but not as weird as you) put this on your profile

If you can be quiet one second and hyper in another, but don't have mood swings, copy this in your profile.

If you have a wide range of interests, put this on your profile

If you're stalking a fictional character, copy this to your profile.

If you have been hit in the face with a ball and started laughing copy this on your profile

If you like being utterly random copy and paste this on your profile

If you are against fur coats, clothing, boots, etc, and the people who kill the animals don't use the meat, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.

If several inanimate objects hate you copy and paste this into your profile.

If you know a video game/book/movie/anime/manga character or weapon that need(s) to exist, copy and paste this into your profile

If you've ever had a crush on a person from a movie/book/video game, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile.

If you are against fur coats, clothing, boots, etc, and the people who kill the animals don't use the meat, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you can be quiet one second and hyper in another, but don't have mood swings, copy this in your profile.

If you have a wide range of interests, put this on your profile

If your profile is long, copy this onto it to make it even longer

If you have ever copy and pasted something copy and paste this onto your profile (Or Else!)

If you hate those mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites, copy and paste this on your profile

If you like being utterly random copy and paste this on your profile

If you have ever laughed so hard you either choked, hyperventilated, had your sides’ cramp, or all of the above copy and paste this on your profile

If you have ever zoned out for five consecutive minutes copy this on your profile

If you're against animal cruelty (horse slaughter, bear baiting, dolphin hunting, chimp slavery etc.) then copy this into your profile!

If you think the human identification thing when you log in to fan fiction is annoying, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think that writing or reading Fanfic stories is fun, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that Emmett absolutely ROCKS, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading and/or writing, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile.

If you tend to laugh your arse off at funny FanFics and everyone thinks you're weird, copy and paste this into your profile

16 Things to do when you're in Walmart!

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, stage-whisper "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.."NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

15. Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"

16. Pick out all the ugliest clothes you can find and take them to the dressing room. Announce to all the others shoppers that there will be a fashion show shortly. Enforce it

Fun things to do on an elevator:

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, and then scream: "That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

PRODUCT LABELS

On a Sears hairdryer--Do not use while sleeping. (Oh NO! when will I use this, then?)

On a bag of Frito's -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (So, we're endorsing shoplifting, now? )

On a bar of Dial soap --Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners --Serving suggestion: Defrost. (Thanks for the suggestion, but I like it frozen better.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --Do not turn upside down. (Oh, thank goodness. I shudder to think what would happen if I turned it upside down.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding --Product will be hot after heating. (Wow, thanks for the heads-up.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- Do not iron clothes on body. (Man! I won't have time to iron clothes now.)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- Warning: May cause drowsiness. (You don't think.)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to...dot dot dot...?)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- Warning: contains nuts. (Thank goodness they warned me.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (I'll do what I want with my packaged nuts, thank you very much.)

On a child's Superman costume -- Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Aw, man! now I'll have to return this...I wanted to jump off skyscrapers and stuff.)

On a bottle of shampoo for dogs -- Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish. (Can i feed it to snakes then?)

On a hand-held massaging device -- Do not use while sleeping or unconscious. (But I like being massaged while I sleep!)

On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan -- Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking. (I'll drink out of the toilet if I want to thank you very much)

On a pair of shin guards -- Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover. (Dang it! Now my head will be vulnerable!)

On a container of underarm deodorant -- Caution: Do not spray in eyes. (But they smell so bad!)