Warriors Wiki talk:Books/Discussion Archive 30

Sunrise/Chapter 7 ~ Silver Nomination
Comments? 02:39 Sat Apr 2
 * For the quote, it says, "Jayfeather's thoughts on Rock" but I think it should be "Jayfeather thinking about Rock"
 * In the 1st para: "Jayfeather hears Foxpaw complain about going to check the WindClan border, but Ferncloud says there is nothing to be scared of." Is Foxpaw scared while he says this? If he is, I don't think it would be complaining, but rather 'fret', 'worry', etc. seem like it would seem more appropriate.
 * Right after, "Squirrelflight forces Foxpaw to come as her apprentice" This part is kind of confusing with the 'as her apprentice' part, perhaps get rid of that part altogether?
 * In the second-to-last para., 'Mousefur replies that she knows that he was only sent along to make sure the elders would be okay, and that he wouldn't find many herbs in this weather.' I think it would be better to have 'notes' or 'says' or something between 'and' and 'that' after the last comma.
 * In the same paragraph, "Jayfeather consents and walks over the the stick, and lies down." 'and' sounds redundant.
 * In the last paragraph, "Leafpool asks him if that was it and snarls at him that he needs to do what he is supposed to and that there wouldn't be problems if cats would do that." I think it might be too long for one sentence, but 'and' is redundant.
 * Also, there are lots of characters in the character list who appeared but are listed as mentioned. I know that Millie, Daisy, Spiderleg, and their kits are among them, thre might be more.

Updated

I think Blossomkit would be unnamed. Also, I know this is very nit-picky, but I think in other subpages, the 'U' in 'unnamed' is capitalized. 19:22 Sat Apr 2

Fixed

Comments before vote? 01:01, April 4, 2016 (UTC)

Eclipse/Chapter 16 ~ Silver Nomination
Imagine how crazy it must have been for the Clan cats, having no clue why the sun is disappearing, and unsure if it will ever come back. When you really think about it, you can truly understand why they were so terrified; I know I would have been. Comments? 00:27 Fri Apr 1

Could you take a quick look over the 1st paragraph? There's a run-on and some stuff just needs tweaking but it's mostly minor so I don't feel the need to list it.

Updated 22:49 Fri Apr 1

Comments before vote? 01:05, April 4, 2016 (UTC)

The Sight/Chapter 10 ~ Silver Nomination
00:51 Fri Apr 1

Some spelling errors in the first paragraph, can you fix it? Also, after the "Clanborn" should be probably "Sorreltail's Clanborn kits," or something like that. But then this sentence doesn't really make sense. "He guesses it's fair that three Clanborn and three non-Clan cats should go, then remembers that it isn't three Clanborn cats." Can you fix that? I don't really understand what that means. I guess just go through the entire subpage to look for spelling errors. 01:11, April 4, 2016 (UTC)

Fixed 01:24 Mon Apr 4

Comments before vote? 01:04, April 5, 2016 (UTC)

The Sight/Chapter 11 ~ Silver Nomination
I vote Graystripe for vice president. Comments? 01:10 Fri Apr 1

In the 2nd paragraph there's a fragment, "Firestar asks how Ravenpaw is." While all the other sentences around it are much longer. And there's 2 ore fragments in the 3rd paragraph Fix it if you feel it needs it.

Updated 22:53 Fri Apr 1

Comments before vote? 01:13, April 4, 2016 (UTC)