Warriors Wiki talk:Books/Discussion Archive 31

The Apprentice's Quest/Chapter 6 ~ Silver Nomination
Comments? Song  heart  20:29, August 23, 2016 (UTC)


 * Is there a quote you can add?
 * 'He' sounds slightly redundant at the end of the last paragraph.

Added quote and fixed paragraph. Song  heart  20:44, August 23, 2016 (UTC)

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the chapter is from pages 77-89 and the quote is from page 70. Was that a typo or is the quote not from the right chapter? Also put quote marks around the quote

Fixed. Song   heart  01:47, August 25, 2016 (UTC)

Would Leafpool be classified as a major character or can we bump her down to minor? 06:05, August 25, 2016 (UTC)

I personally think Leafpool should stay a major character as she took Alderpaw to Twolegplace and introduced him to StarClan. Song  heart  01:12, August 27, 2016 (UTC)

I think you're right. Comments before vote? 01:29, August 27, 2016 (UTC)

I'm really sorry to interrupt your CBV but:


 * Can you link 'the prophecy' in the 2nd paragraph to Prophecies_and_Omens instead, since that is the specific prophecy Needlepaw is talking about?
 * Can you link territory in the second paragraph to The Lake Territories or to ThunderClan
 * Can you add a transition for the 3rd paragraph? It suddenly goes from Alderpaw being in ShadowClan to him going to the Moonpool.
 * In the last paragraph, "Alderpaw realizes this must be Firestar and thinks he seemed familiar and wonders if this was the same cat he saw in his weird dream before." Could you split this into 2 sentences? Right now it's a bit too long imo.
 * Also in the last paragraph, "The young cat sees a group of cats in a gorge, such as a mottled brown-and-cream she-cat, a ginger tom, and a black-and-white she-cat partaking in a warrior ceremony." I think it would be more fitting if 'such as' would be replaced with 'including', since that word just seems like it would make more sense for the context. That might just be me though, so if you disagree then you don't have to. 01:09 Sat Sep 3

Edited Song   heart  20:24, September 3, 2016 (UTC)

Re-CBV? 20:27 Sat Sep 3

Vote's up! 18:57 Mon Sep 5

A Dangerous Path/Chapter 5 - Silver Nomination
01:20, August 27, 2016 (UTC)
 * In the 3rd paragraph, maybe link 'carrionplace disease' or just 'disease' as Diseases_and_Injuries, since that is the specific disease that the SC cats had?
 * In the 4th pagraph, "Runningnose explains that the reason why he believes this is beyond the omen mentioned by Tigerstar at the Gathering. It is because ShadowClan's previous leader, Nightstar, had not been accepted by StarClan and had not received his nine lives, which is why he died so quickly from the rat sickness." I think there is a grammar error in the first sentnce, since it says "Runningnose explains that the reason why..." but it explains why in the next sentence.
 * In the last paragraph, maybe link 'territory' as The_Forest_Territories instead, since it is talking about specifically windclan's territory? 19:19 Wed Aug 31

Updated. 20:25, August 31, 2016 (UTC)

Comments before vote? 00:53 Sat Sep 3

Vote's up! 18:57 Mon Sep 5

Outcast/Chapter 24 ~ Silver Nomination
16:55 Tue Aug 30

Comments before vote? 20:40 Sat Sep 3

Vote's up. 01:04 Wed Sep 7

Moonrise/Epilogue ~ Silver Nomination
19:49 Wed Aug 31

CBV? 17:12 Sun Sep 4

Vote's up!

Join
I'd like to join the project if that's okay?

~P  a   t   c   h    f   e   a   t   h   e   r~   23:15, September 7, 2016 (UTC)

Sure! I'll add you in, and please make sure to review the guidelines.

Outcast/Chapter 20 ~ Silver Nomination
19:09 Sat Aug 27

Check quote for grammar and merge the last sentence in the first paragraph. In the sixth paragraph, add an "s" onto the last word. For the last paragraph, expand a little more for the last sentence. Song  heart  17:58, September 2, 2016 (UTC)

Updated For the sixth paragraph, that was how it was in the book so I didn't change it. 00:52 Sat Sep 3

CBV? 18:57 Mon Sep 5

Vote's up. 23:07 Thu Sep 8

Midnight (Book)/Chapter 3 ~ Silver Nomination
-- 18:44, September 1, 2016 (UTC)


 * Add a quote
 * Remove stub tag
 * Maybe link 'Mouse bile' in the first paragraph and capitalize "Gathering" in the last paragraph
 * 'Leafpaw' is redundant in the 2nd and third paragraph -- perhaps replace a few with "the tabby apprentice" or something similar.
 * In paragraphs 4,5, and 6, Leopardstar sounds redundant in spots so maybe tweak that. Blackstar is a bit redundant too.
 * In paragraph 5, greenleaf is "Green-leaf", perhaps fix this?
 * In the second to last paragraph, Leafpaw sounds redundant again.
 * Perhaps combine the last two sentences of the 8th paragraph, as they are very short and choppy on their own.

Improved -- 19:55, September 2, 2016 (UTC)
 * In the 1st paragraph, "Leafpaw remarks that Squirrelpaw is upset and Cinderpelt says she deserves to be. She wonders where ThunderClan would be if apprentices could just go off where they pleased without telling others." The 'she's are redundant and a bit confusing.
 * "Leafpaw [...] remembers Squirrelpaw raging on how unfair the punishment is." I think it would be 'how unfair the punishemnt was'?
 * Can you replace one of the 'remembers' in the first paragraph with a synonym, such as recall?
 * In the 3rd paragraph, "Feathertail remarks she knows Cinderpelt well as she treated her once. She adds that Leafpaw must be proud to be her apprentice. " The 'her's and 'she' are a bit confusing, could you use descriptions instead?
 * In the 5th paragraph, could you link 'territory' (from 'WindClan teritory') to WindClan?
 * Also in that paragraph, 'windClan territory' sounds redundant
 * In the 6th paragraph, 'saying' sounds a bit redundant ("Tallstar refuses, saying" and "Leopardstar refuses, saying"
 * In the 8th paragraph, "The Clans murmur in approval while few RiverClan warriors growl in disapproval" Did you mean 'while a few RiverClan...'?
 * "Graystripe looks questioningly at Mistyfoot and she defends them saying they are good warriors. Leopardstar meows that they are strong, skilled warriors " 'warriors' sounds a bit redundant, but I'm not sure how to fix that so you don't need to if you can't think of how.
 * In the 2nd-to-last paragraph, "she would be the last warrior to criticize a warrior" 'warrior' sounds redundant. Maybe replace 'last warrior' with 'last cat' or something?
 * Maybe link 'an omen' to Prophecies_and_Omens, since that is the omen Mudfur was talking about? 20:08 Sat Sep 3

Improved--  22:46, September 3, 2016 (UTC)


 * In the third paragraph, Feathertail sounds redundant most of the way through
 * Also in the same paragraph, 'medicine cat apprentice' sound redundant toward the middle of it
 * In the 5th paragraph, Tallstar sounds redundant, so perhaps exchange some for 'the black-and-white tom' or 'the WindClan leader' etc.
 * Tallstar then says that all water is gone from WindClan's territory. Russetfur protests that the river borders WindClan's area. The word 'area' sounds a bit out of place, and could this maybe be switched to instead read "WindClan's land"?
 * In the 5th paragraph, 'ShadowClan is redundant in the first two sentences.
 * In the 6th paragraph, Feathertail is redundant in the last two sentences
 * Also in this paragraph, 'RiverClan' sounds a tiny bit redundant so maybe try to tweak that
 * And also the link to the moth's wing vision that is in the summary isn't a bracketed link "" but is linking to the actual url if you know what I mean. Could you fix this as well?

Improved--  00:23, September 4, 2016 (UTC)

Comments before vote? <span style="">01:04 Wed Sep 7

Vote's up! <span style="">23:12 Fri Sep 9

Outcast/Chapter 12 ~ Silver Nomination
I liked Breezepaw. <span style="">19:09 Sun Sep 4

CBV?

Vote's up!

Outcast/Chapter 6 ~ Silver Nomination
<span style="">23:24 Sat Sep 3


 * Berrynose meows to Poppypaw that she must be quicker, causing Lionpaw to be annoyed at Berrynose's bossiness.  Berrynose is slightly redundant
 * In the 2nd paragraph Lionpaw is a bit redundant
 * Berrynose interrupts by telling Lionpaw that he got the move wrong, so Lionpaw furiously faces the former and taunts how he had a skirmish with ShadowClan. Berrynose springs off the rock, hostile, and spits to not talk to a warrior like that, but Lionpaw retorts at him to stop being such a know-it-all.      bit redundant of Lionapaw and Berrynose
 * A calm voice tells Lionpaw to take it easy, and Lionpaw turns to see Stormfur sunning himself in a path of sunlight.  redundant here too
 * In he first two sentences of paragraph 5, Stormfur is a but redundant but this one might be a tad nitpicky of me
 * Lionpaw voices his wishes to have been there, and Stormfur agrees that he enjoyed it. Lionpaw adds that the former RiverClan tom became good friends with Brambleclaw, but Stormfur admits that he used to be jealous of Brambleclaw because the gray tom liked Squirrelflight. However, he notes that it was obvious that she liked Brambleclaw best, yet Lionpaw is astonished that the gray warrior liked Squirrelflight. some more
 * Stormfur' licks his chest fur and says that cats must carry on. Lionpaw  says he hopes that his asking wasn't minded, and Stormfur notes that it wasn't, offering to talk with Lionpaw and help him at any time. Lionpaw thanks the gray tom, and notes that it is easier talking to him than a ThunderClan cat, though he breaks off in embarrassment and apologizes.  idk a bit of redundancy
 * Stormfur thinks and takes time before answering that he is a RiverClan cat at heart, as he grew up there, but now he feels loyal to ThunderClan for welcoming him. Lionpaw asks if he will stay forever, but Stormfur is unsure. The apprentice presses why they don't return to the mountains, but a somber look creeps into Stormfur's eyes and he mews that it isn't that easy. Lionpaw suggests a visit, but Stormfur briskly disagrees that it is far, and he gets to his paws, suggesting they get back to camp.
 * Sorry for putting a lot, but leaving examples seems easier. I'd read through the summary once for for a good lookover, because there's a bit more that could be tweaked to flow.

Updated <span style="">18:17 Sun Sep 4

CBV? <span style="">02:59 Thu Sep 8

Vote's up!

Outcast/Chapter 17 ~ Silver Nomination
<span style="">18:48 Mon Sep 5

CBV?

Vote's up!

Join Request
Can I join? Hollywhisker123 (talk) 20:35, September 21, 2016 (UTC)

Yup sure. Make sure to read the guidelines and have fun!

October FA
Maybe Cloudstar's Journey since we haven't done a novella in a while; open to suggestions for other books too.

If Icy is done with wriitng the Bonus Scene for TAQ (I can't tell if she is or not) then I think maybe that would be a better idea, since it's been a while since the book was released and it has yet to be featured. If it's not done, then I think CJ would be good. <span style="">02:58 Thu Sep 8

I'll finish TAQ's bonus scene today but I'm on a phone so spelling mistakes may be visible. 12:52, September 8, 2016 (UTC)

Alright I lied but I promise I'll do that tomorrow. 02:36, September 15, 2016 (UTC)

It is done. 00:11, September 16, 2016 (UTC)

I guess CBV then? <span style="">00:11 Fri Sep 16

Vote's up. <span style="">00:18 Tue Sep 20