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The First Battle/Chapter 1 ~ Silver Nomination
Comments? Songheart 21:54, November 22, 2016 (UTC)
CBV? —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 20:29, 11/25/2016
- In the 1st paragraph, "Clear Sky narrows his eyes at Thunder, who is climbing the slope to the moor with Frost, leaving the forest. Clear Sky feels a pang of regret gnawing in his belly." Clear Sky sounds redundant
- In the 2nd paragraph, "The two cats bicker over Stoneteller " I don't really understand what you mean by that.
- In the 3rd paragraph, "He glances at Fircone and Nettle, the two toms who have persuaded Thunder to convince him to not expand the territory." Is the 'him' (as in 'convince him') Clear Sky? Can you specificy that?
- In the 4th paragraph, "He decides to put their minds to rest about the territory." Who is the 'he'?
- Also in the 4th, "Clear Sky becomes furious when |his brother is mentioned." Since there isn't any detail about it this sentence just seems out of place. Could you either explain more about how Gray Wing is mentioned, or just get rid of the sentence, I feel like it just makes it confusing rn.
- Was Misty mentioned by name in the chapter, or was she just said to be Alder and Birch's mother? If she wasn't mentioned by name, it should say '(Unnamed)' after her name in the Mentioned characters list. Also, Gray Wing should be in the mentioned characters list. 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 22:56 Fri Nov 25
Bramblestar's Storm/Chapter 3 ~ Silver Nomination
Alright, I have nothing to do and please tell me no one's nominating this already. My chemistry tests are over, and I need something to rant about. MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 15:32, November 27, 2016 (UTC)
- Add a quote
- Remove the important events section, imo, as per this from awhile back.
- Patrol is redundant in 1st paragraph
- Break up the first sentence of the summary; it's a bit of a run-on
- Towards the end of the first paragraph, Bramblestar and Brackenfur are redundant some
- Bramblestar is also redundant in other paragraphs as well
- Littlecloud is redundant in the last paragraph
- "says" is redundant too; perhaps swap a few with "meows" or something
- Link border and patrol —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 18:52, 11/27/2016
Updated MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 16:05, November 28, 2016 (UTC)
Maybe link 'Twoleg nest' to ThunderClan#In_The_Lake_Territories, since there is a section on it there? If not, I think you should link it to Twoleg Nest. 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 19:46 Mon Nov 28
Updated MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 16:26, November 29, 2016 (UTC)
Last thing - Blackstar is pretty redundant in the second paragraph, and "ShadowClan" is too. —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 01:12, 11/30/2016
Updated MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 17:33, November 30, 2016 (UTC)
Crookedstar's Promise/Chapter 2 ~ Silver Nomination
Again, no one has been working on this so I stole it. Comments? MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 15:35, November 27, 2016 (UTC)
- Add a quote
- Hailstar is redundant in the second paragraph; perhaps replace a few with something different?
- As the kits watch the RiverClan patrol begin their retreat to camp, Oakkit cries out that the magpie has returned. Try to shorten the intro of this sentence; it's long and kinda wordy.
- Perhaps go through the summary in general and add a bit more detail to the events. Kinda bad at explaining but I'd go through and expand this in general. —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 20:32, 11/27/2016
Updated Okay, I have appeared to lost my Crookedstar's Promise copy on the subway and it will take me a day or so to get one from the library, praying that someone didn't already take it out. So I couldn't do the quotes or add details, but I'll do that soon enough. MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 16:21, November 28, 2016 (UTC)
Updated MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 23:11, November 29, 2016 (UTC)
Good^^
- Just break up the first two sentences in the first paragraph a lot; they are major run-ons.
- In result, he sees the warriors swarming over the gray rocks and hears his father, Shellheart growl how dare they take Sunningrocks. This sentence seems worded oddly, as it's kinda question-like but in sentence form.. Could you tweak it?
- Mudfur and Brightsky rush into camp, and Piketooth following with a carp in his mouth. shouldn't it be follows instead of following? Sounds a bit funny
- Check for past tense throughout
- As the two kits scamper up the trunk, with the brown tabby kit warning his brother to dig his claws in due to how slippery it is, they finally reach a branch where it was thin enough to dip under the brothers' weight. maybe break this in two; it's a tad long
- A tabby warrior halts to see Shellheart and his patrol swim through the river, and he bares his teeth, darting to the edge of the patrol. patrol is redundant
- RiverClan is redundant in the 3rd paragraph
Sorry for lots of stuff. —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 01:08, 11/30/2016
Updated MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 17:29, November 30, 2016 (UTC)
Leafpool's Wish/Chapter 3 ~ Silver Nomination
—spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 22:03, 11/28/2016
- Firestar is redundant in the first paragraph
- Link Squirrelflight to Squirrelflight
- Crowfeather is slightly redundant in the second paragraph
- Can you find any other alternate description than the medicine cat for Leafpool? If so, could you possibly use it somehow?
MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 23:15, November 29, 2016 (UTC)
Updated —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 01:00, 11/30/2016
Secrets of the Clans/WindClan: Swift and Loyal ~ Silver Nomination
Comments? – • Water • 02:31, November 30, 2016 (UTC)
Field guides have some really good quotes, so could you add one? And also, I'd think this would have a character list. —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 11:46, 11/30/2016