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The First Battle/Chapter 1 ~ Silver Nomination
Comments? Songheart 21:54, November 22, 2016 (UTC)
CBV? —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 20:29, 11/25/2016
- In the 1st paragraph, "Clear Sky narrows his eyes at Thunder, who is climbing the slope to the moor with Frost, leaving the forest. Clear Sky feels a pang of regret gnawing in his belly." Clear Sky sounds redundant
- In the 2nd paragraph, "The two cats bicker over Stoneteller " I don't really understand what you mean by that.
- In the 3rd paragraph, "He glances at Fircone and Nettle, the two toms who have persuaded Thunder to convince him to not expand the territory." Is the 'him' (as in 'convince him') Clear Sky? Can you specificy that?
- In the 4th paragraph, "He decides to put their minds to rest about the territory." Who is the 'he'?
- Also in the 4th, "Clear Sky becomes furious when |his brother is mentioned." Since there isn't any detail about it this sentence just seems out of place. Could you either explain more about how Gray Wing is mentioned, or just get rid of the sentence, I feel like it just makes it confusing rn.
- Was Misty mentioned by name in the chapter, or was she just said to be Alder and Birch's mother? If she wasn't mentioned by name, it should say '(Unnamed)' after her name in the Mentioned characters list. Also, Gray Wing should be in the mentioned characters list. 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 22:56 Fri Nov 25
Updated Songheart 19:06, December 1, 2016 (UTC)
- "Clear Sky glances at Fircone and Nettle, the two toms who have persuaded Thunder to convince him to not expand the territory. " It still doesn't say who the 'him' is.
- Could you find the page for when Gray Wing was mentioned and cite it? If not, you can just cite it as the chapter number. 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 22:48 Thu Dec 1
Updated Songheart 21:04, December 4, 2016 (UTC)
Comments before vote? Appledash the light of honor 00:33, December 5, 2016 (UTC)
Vote's up! 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 23:03 Wed Dec 7
Bramblestar's Storm/Chapter 3 ~ Silver Nomination
Alright, I have nothing to do and please tell me no one's nominating this already. My chemistry tests are over, and I need something to rant about. MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 15:32, November 27, 2016 (UTC)
- Add a quote
- Remove the important events section, imo, as per this from awhile back.
- Patrol is redundant in 1st paragraph
- Break up the first sentence of the summary; it's a bit of a run-on
- Towards the end of the first paragraph, Bramblestar and Brackenfur are redundant some
- Bramblestar is also redundant in other paragraphs as well
- Littlecloud is redundant in the last paragraph
- "says" is redundant too; perhaps swap a few with "meows" or something
- Link border and patrol —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 18:52, 11/27/2016
Updated MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 16:05, November 28, 2016 (UTC)
Maybe link 'Twoleg nest' to ThunderClan#In_The_Lake_Territories, since there is a section on it there? If not, I think you should link it to Twoleg Nest. 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 19:46 Mon Nov 28
Updated MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 16:26, November 29, 2016 (UTC)
Last thing - Blackstar is pretty redundant in the second paragraph, and "ShadowClan" is too. —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 01:12, 11/30/2016
Updated MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 17:33, November 30, 2016 (UTC)
- For the first paragraph, I am confused by this sentence. What does Squirrelflight suggest? Squirrelflight suggests to double them on the ShadowClan border, and to hunt there more regularly as well. Trespass is also misspelled. Can you put more in about Cinderheart thinking about the Great Battle as it does seem a bit abrupt.
- For a sentence in the second paragraph: Blackstar then orders Tawnypelt to escort patrol back. there should be the word "the" between escort and patrol.
- In the third paragraph, I'm not sure if what you mean by "brown tom" is Bramblestar or Littlecloud. Are you able to clarify who is speaking? Songheart 22:45, December 1, 2016 (UTC)
Updated I'm confused about the abrupt of Cinderheart thinking about the battle - could you possibly expand on that or give me suggestions what to add to it, since I don't know what you want me to add to that part. MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 14:06, December 2, 2016 (UTC)
"They cross across the new ThunderClan land that had been gained in the battle where Russetfur died. Cinderheart wonders if the forest will ever recover from the Great Battle." I think what I meant to say here was the sentence seems to imply that Russetfur died in the Great Battle, as it does say the land that ThunderClan gained a while back is "new". Songheart 21:13, December 4, 2016 (UTC)
Crookedstar's Promise/Chapter 2 ~ Silver Nomination
Again, no one has been working on this so I stole it. Comments? MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 15:35, November 27, 2016 (UTC)
- Add a quote
- Hailstar is redundant in the second paragraph; perhaps replace a few with something different?
- As the kits watch the RiverClan patrol begin their retreat to camp, Oakkit cries out that the magpie has returned. Try to shorten the intro of this sentence; it's long and kinda wordy.
- Perhaps go through the summary in general and add a bit more detail to the events. Kinda bad at explaining but I'd go through and expand this in general. —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 20:32, 11/27/2016
Updated Okay, I have appeared to lost my Crookedstar's Promise copy on the subway and it will take me a day or so to get one from the library, praying that someone didn't already take it out. So I couldn't do the quotes or add details, but I'll do that soon enough. MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 16:21, November 28, 2016 (UTC)
Updated MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 23:11, November 29, 2016 (UTC)
Good^^
- Just break up the first two sentences in the first paragraph a lot; they are major run-ons.
- In result, he sees the warriors swarming over the gray rocks and hears his father, Shellheart growl how dare they take Sunningrocks. This sentence seems worded oddly, as it's kinda question-like but in sentence form.. Could you tweak it?
- Mudfur and Brightsky rush into camp, and Piketooth following with a carp in his mouth. shouldn't it be follows instead of following? Sounds a bit funny
- Check for past tense throughout
- As the two kits scamper up the trunk, with the brown tabby kit warning his brother to dig his claws in due to how slippery it is, they finally reach a branch where it was thin enough to dip under the brothers' weight. maybe break this in two; it's a tad long
- A tabby warrior halts to see Shellheart and his patrol swim through the river, and he bares his teeth, darting to the edge of the patrol. patrol is redundant
- RiverClan is redundant in the 3rd paragraph
Sorry for lots of stuff. —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 01:08, 11/30/2016
Updated MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 17:29, November 30, 2016 (UTC)
- In the 1st paragraph, ":Stormkit, hears Rippleclaw announce that ThunderClan has taken Sunningrocks. He races up a fallen tree..." It's a bit confusing on who 'he' is.
- Same thing in the 2nd paragraph: "Hailstar comes out of his den, snapping at the deputy's kit to come down from the branch, and he soon follows his order." I know that the 'he' is Stormkit, but could you still make it a bit more clear?
- "Rippleclaw asks if they're going to let ThunderClan steal all the territory they want, and Echomist defends her mate by retorting that they only want Sunningrocks." Can you specificy who the 'they' is?
- "Finally, instead of ordering an attack like the Clan wishes, the RiverClan leader finally decides that a group of warriors should Sunningrocks to deliver the message" Having two 'finally's is unneccessary, can you get rid of one of them?
- "Shellheart immediately charges towards the entrance tunnel to carry out his order" Again the 'his' is a little confusing, you could just make it be 'the order'.
- "As the two kits scamper up the trunk, with the brown tabby kit warning his brother to dig his claws in due to how slippery it is," Both of them are brown tabbies, so I can't tell if it's Oakkit or Stormkit.
- " while two ThunderClan warriors pace near the river, both of them alert for any intruding warriors." 'warriors' is redundant, maybe just change the second to 'intruding cats' or 'intruders'?
- "Shellheart pulls him back and tells Pinestar that he can have the territory for now, as well as helping himself to the prey he finds; but when his Clan wants the territory back, they will fight for it. Without waiting for a response, he plunges back in the river with his Clanmates following nearby." Again, the he's and his's are kind of confusing. Maybe change 'his Clan' to 'RiverClan', and specificy that the 'he' as in 'he plunges back into the river' is Shellheart, either by name or description? 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 22:25 Thu Dec 1
Updated MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 14:13, December 2, 2016 (UTC)
In the sentence "Rippleclaw asks if they're going to let ThunderClan steal all the territory they want, and Echomist defends her mate by retorting that the Clan only wants Sunningrocks." I still can't tell who 'the Clan' is - is it ThunderClan or RiverClan? 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 22:35 Fri Dec 2
- Shellheart growls how dare they take Sunningrocks, then leaps on (either a or the) willow tree trunk and hurries along one of the boughs that reaches over the water.
- Link patrol in the second paragraph.
- Same paragraph: but Troutclaw objects by saying they lost enough battles. Who is "they"?
- Same paragraph: the RiverClan leader decides that a group of warriors should go to Sunningrocks to deliver the message
- In the next paragraph, who is the leading kit helping his brother up the branch?
- Turn this into a separate sentence: when RiverClan wants the territory back, they will fight for it.
- If possible, put the unnamed ThunderClan warriors, such as the tabby warrior, in the minor characters list? Songheart 21:29, December 4, 2016 (UTC)
Updated To answer your question :), the "leading kit" is Stormkit, since Oakkit follows him up the branch. One question I have is that "when RiverClan wants the territory back, they will fight for it" - I know I have it in a semicolon to separate it, and it was originally so the two sentences didn't seem choppy and odd when they were on their own... do you have suggestions on how to make it less choppy when I make it a separate sentence? MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 22:43, December 6, 2016 (UTC)
I think you could clarify who's the leading kit by using a description like 'reddish brown kit' for Oakkit or something, as it's pretty unclear to who that is still. And for the other sentence it doesn't seem too choppy atm, so I'd keep it as-is. —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 00:45, 12/07/2016
Updated MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 01:45, December 8, 2016 (UTC)
Leafpool's Wish/Chapter 3 ~ Silver Nomination
—spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 22:03, 11/28/2016
- Firestar is redundant in the first paragraph
- Link Squirrelflight to Squirrelflight
- Crowfeather is slightly redundant in the second paragraph
- Can you find any other alternate description than the medicine cat for Leafpool? If so, could you possibly use it somehow?
MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 23:15, November 29, 2016 (UTC)
Updated —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 01:00, 11/30/2016
- "Firestar wishes his daughter well, and the brown tabby thanks her father. The brown tabby tells Brightheart of her departure, and the she-cat agrees to help check wounds." 'brown tabby' is redundant.
- I think Brightheart would be on the minor characters list, not mentioned. ("The brown tabby tells Brightheart of her departure, and the she-cat agrees to help check wounds.") 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 22:53 Thu Dec 1
Updated —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 03:04, 12/02/2016
Comments before vote? Appledash the light of honor 00:38, December 5, 2016 (UTC)
Vote's up. 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 23:03 Wed Dec 7
Secrets of the Clans/WindClan: Swift and Loyal ~ Silver Nomination
Comments? – • Water • 02:31, November 30, 2016 (UTC)
Field guides have some really good quotes, so could you add one? And also, I'd think this would have a character list. —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 11:46, 11/30/2016
Updated – • Water • 12:46, November 30, 2016 (UTC)
- "Clan" is redundant in Tallstar's PoV
- Check for capitalization, period, commas and other minor mistakes through the whole summary
- For Onewhisker's PoV, you double-linked it - both in the PoV part and the first sentence, could you fix that?
- Some sentences flow oddly because of the mis-punctuated commas/periods (e.g. In the nursery, Ashfoot says to Morningflower, that she must stay there because she is in not condition to fight, etc.)
- "He" is redundant in Crowfeather's PoV
- "She" is redundant in the leader parts, where Windstar is described MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 03:18, December 1, 2016 (UTC)
Updated, I am tired, so please tell me if I miss something. (English can be really difficult sometimes when it is not your first language.) – • Water • 03:41, December 1, 2016 (UTC)
Thanks! It's okay, English isn't my first language and even though I've been living in the US for many years I suck at it :D Last one though; could you link "the forest" in the main quote to The Forest Territories#WindClan. Sorry if I came out a little rude/blunt when I suggested. MinnowsWelcome toThomas Krestchmann! 23:23, December 1, 2016 (UTC)
Updated Oh, don't worry about that. – • Water • 23:32, December 1, 2016 (UTC)
Comments before vote? Also, just gonna say that you did a tremendous job with this even though your first language isn't English. Appledash the light of honor 00:40, December 5, 2016 (UTC)
Vote's up! 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 23:03 Wed Dec 7
Cloudstar's Journey/Chapter 6 ~ Silver Nomination
—spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 06:03, 12/02/2016
CBV? —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 16:38, 12/05/2016
And I'm late, as always :/
- "Redstar meows in his ear that he's glad to hear SkyClan doesn't mind sharing territory, but the pale gray cat hisses at him. Cloudstar hisses that they allow nothing of the sort, but the ThunderClan tom persists," Both 'hisses' and 'but' sound redundant.
- "Swiftstar then stands up and tells the other leaders on the rock to come join the others, so they do so." I'm confused on what's happening here, who are 'the others'? 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 23:14 Tue Dec 6
Updated —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 23:58, 12/06/2016
I'm still a bit confused, did Swiftstar just call the Gathering to an end when he said to join the cats below? 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 02:44 Wed Dec 7
Quite literally, in the book, Cloudstar talks to Redstar, then Swiftstar is just like "yo let's join the others" so... no one calls the Gathering to an end - I checked. I dunno how I can make that clearer, as the book doesn't show the Gathering ending, and just has Swiftstar suggest for them to go, and the other leaders just follow. —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 17:58, 12/07/2016
Hmm okay. Re-CBV then? 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 22:53 Wed Dec 7
Cloudstar's Journey/Chapter 7 ~ Silver Nomination
—spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 01:57, 12/04/2016
This is pretty minor but: You said "Cloudstar lets out an anguished yowl that this is his home." but the book says that Cloudstar yowls, "My home! My precious home!” I think it would be more accurate if you said, "Cloudstar lets out an anguished yowl for his home.", since he technically isn't stating it is his home but is just sad about what happened to it.🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 23:22 Tue Dec 6
Updated —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 23:59, 12/06/2016
Cloudstar's Journey/Chapter 8 ~ Silver Nomination
Last CJ chapter! —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 20:49, 12/06/2016
January FA
How about Saving the Kits? I honestly can't remember when the last time we did a adventure game thing (even though they have been featured before) And it'd be a good mix-up after doing so many book articles recently. If not, though, we always have CJ. —spooky is that... a furry cat?!? 00:42, 12/07/2016
Hmm, I kinda think it would be nice to do CJ since all of the CJ subpages are now written too. But StK is still fine too. 🏵️ Maple 🏵️ 02:26 Wed Dec 7